I hid from the fireworks in November.  Not that I saw them, sitting as I was in my tank in the kitchen.  I heard them.  Not that we snails have ears.  The ground shook.  I felt the quivers all the way up the stool where I sat, high up in my tank, watching the world go fuzzily by.  Even the dog shivered. She hid under the bench next to my stool and of course everyone came in to comfort her. But they forgot about me, quivering alone in my peat.

I say ‘alone’ but that’s telling a lie.  And I know it’s bad to tell lies. My friend Slomo is here.  As is Gary.  And Shelley.  But they’ve gone to sleep.  And it’s getting darker. You might think that suits me. Well, it doesn’t, sliding around as I do in a cold tank in the dead of night when everyone’s in their beds. That’s when I’m active, busy looking for food, the snoring of the dog underneath my only company.

And in the daytime? Well!  The kitchen is full of comings and goings and of ‘ooohs’ and ‘aaahs’.  Everyone is cooking.  I can see there are things getting wrapped on the kitchen table.  Can anyone tell me what’s happening?  There is much excitement …

I think they’ve forgotten me.  I think they think I am already asleep, hibernating for the winter.  I will, you know, hibernate.  I’ll decide it’s way too cold, like Slomo, Gary and Shelley have already done, and bury myself deep in the soil.  I’ll curl my foot into my shell. I’ll make a front door of slime.  It’ll have a tiny breathing hole in its middle.  But before I do any of that I need food.  And lots of it 🙂

If you’re reading this and you feel sorry for me, will you send me some cucumber?  Can you post me some sprouts?  I love sprouts. Not sure they love me.  I blew the lid off my tank once and anyone who has a snail tank will tell you the lids can be hard to get off.  Oh, the things we do for the love of food! 

If you know what’s going on … if you know why everyone’s getting so excited, can you tell me? I am just a lonely old snail in a tank.  And everyone knows that snails are not just for Christmas …

Old McSlithers, Tank on the Kitchen Stool, 1 Riseley Cottages, Selborne Road, Newton Valence, Alton, Hampshire GU34 3RN